【てえてえ注意！】ホロライブ怪文書短編集です。 作：夏目陽光
The sun was shining too damn bright, glaring right through the glass ceiling of the mall, and it was honestly making the whole floor look like a cheap, overheated greenhouse. There was this weird smell of burnt cinnamon pretzels from the food court drifting over, which completely ruined the vibe. Calliope pulled the hood of her dark, oversized hoodie down, trying to hide her face from le monde, but it was hopeless. Her hoodie was a bit frayed at the cuffs anyway, a tiny detail she always forgot to fix. There was no hiding from the chaotic little rat attached to her arm. Bae was practically vibrating with pure, unadulterated energy, dragging the literal Grim Reaper into a boutique that smelled way too much like expensive perfume. Like, the kind of perfume that gives you a headache if you stand there for more than five minutes.
"Oh là là, Calli, just look at ziz place!" Bae gasped, her voice already spiking into a ridiculous high pitch as she waved her hands around like a madman, nearly hitting a clothing rack. "We need to completely change your style, mon amie. Always black, always gloomy... non! It is time for a fashion revolution, oui?"
Calliope let out a deep, chest-rattling sigh. It was the kind of sigh that carried the weight of a thousand dead souls, or maybe just the weight of someone who realized she left her favorite water bottle at home. She aggressively rubbed the back of her neck. Her voice dropped into that gravelly, low register she always got when she was completely done with Bae's nonsense.
"Bae... please. I am ze Grim Reaper. I do not do bright, and I do definitely do not do cute. And why the hell are you talking like a cliché movie character anyway? It's kind of cringe, bro."
"Because le fashion is French, Calli! Now shut up, take ziz, and get your ass into ze fitting room. Allez, allez!"
Before Calli could even formulate a proper rapper-fast comeback—or any comeback at all, because her brain was kind of frying from the mall music—a massive mountain of neon and pastel fabrics was shoved into her arms. The top hanger scraped against her chin, making her wince. Then, she was violently pushed behind the velvet curtain, which smelled faintly of dust.
Ze Fitting Room Extravaganza
Bae plonked herself down on the boutique sofa, which was way too soft and made a weird squeaking sound under her. She started kicking her legs back and forth like an impatient toddler, waiting like some high-end Paris runway judge, though she was mostly just checking her reflection in the glass of her phone.
The curtain rustled. A long, painful silence filled the air for about three seconds—or maybe it was five, it felt like forever—before Calli finally stepped out. She looked entirely frozen, her arms pinned stiffly to her sides, wearing a frilly, pastel-pink sundress with a massive bow right on her chest. The dress was slightly too tight around the shoulders, making the fabric bunch up awkwardly. Her face was the picture of pure, unrefined misery.
Bae took one sharp, wheezing breath, held it for a microsecond, and then completely exploded into a loud, gremlin-like cackle.
"Oh... non! C'est catastrophique! Calli, you look like a giant strawberry marshmallow dat wants to violently murder me!"
"I hate this so much, Bae," Calli muttered, her voice trembling with pure second-hand embarrassment, completely forgetting her stupid French accent for a second because she was just so genuinely annoyed. Then she suddenly started rambling in a panicky, mile-a-minute rapper tempo. "Like honestly the fabric is scratching my literal soul and I can actually hear my reputation dying in real time right now so I am going back in, I don't care, this is stupid—"
The curtain snapped shut, almost catching the edge of the dress. A few moments later, it ripped open again with a sharp, metallic clatter of the rings sliding across the pole.
The pink marshmallow was gone. Calli stepped out wearing a sharp, midnight-black French designer suit tailored perfectly to her tall frame, a crimson beret tilted flawlessly over her pink hair. She clicked her heels rhythmically against the marble floor, adjusting her lapels with a sudden, overwhelming wave of confidence.
Bae’s jaw dropped. The gremlin laughter instantly vanished, replaced by a sharp gasp and a voice that dropped a whole octave into raw, genuine hype.
"YO. Magnifique! Formidable! You look like a CEO who fires people before breakfast! Très élégant! Oh my god, yes! That is what I'm talking about!"
Calli let out a low, satisfied chuckle from deep in her chest, a smirk playing on her lips. She casually summoned her scythe with a fluid spin, nearly nicking the ceiling light, and balanced the dark steel over her shoulder. "Heh... okay, I actually don't hate this. It has... power. It has dat 'Dad' energy, you know? Like, the cool dad who actually owns a yacht or something."
Bae stared, practically starstruck by the sheer majesty of the reaper, and whispered a dramatic, theatrical line she remembered from an old book, getting so into the poetic vibe that she completely forgot to use her fake 'ze' and 'ziz' accents.
"And behold, a pale horse, Calli... and her name that sat on him was Death, and Hades followed with her! You look like the absolute poetry of the underworld, oui!"
Calli’s cheeks flushed a faint pink to match her hair, and she quickly clicked her tongue to hide her embarrassment, her boot tapping nervously against a stray price tag on the floor. "Yeah, yeah. If I am gonna represent La Mort, I might as well look like a total boss. Don't make it weird, Bae."
"My turn! Wait right dere!" Bae yelled, her accent bouncing back as she zoomed into the booth like a flash of lightning. There was a violent clattering of hangers, some aggressive rustling, and the sound of something falling over—probably a stool—before a triumphant shout echoed out and the curtain flew open.
"TA-DAAAA! Purrrfect!"
The curtain didn't just open, it practically exploded. When Bae stepped out, Calli’s cynical deadpan phrase died right in her throat.
Bae stood there, arms wide, rocking the oversized neon-green bomber jacket over mismatched thigh-high socks, with that ridiculous tiny top hat perched perfectly between her ears. On anyone else, it would look like a total fashion disaster, like a neon crime. But on Bae? The colors didn't clash, they practically danced. Her eyes burned with a wild, untamed fire that made the boutique's expensive lights look dim. She was the absolute definition of beautiful, loud, uncontainable noise.
Calli lowered her scythe, her jaw loosening just a bit as she stared at the sheer, vibrant presence of the rat. A slow, respectful smile crossed the reaper's face, and she thought of the ancient lore from Bae's homeland, the stories of the creation, the Dreamtime, where the world was shaped by wild spirits.
"Damn, Bae..." Calli murmured, her voice soft and genuinely awed, her mind drifting so far into the imagery that her accent completely slipped away. "You look like you just walked straight out of the Dreamtime stories, kid. Like the ultimate trickster spirit who painted the landscape with neon fire just to mess with the gods. It is completely out of control, but... magnifique. You look like chaos incarnate."
Bae blinked, her golden eyes widening for a fraction of a second, caught off guard by the sudden drop of the joke. Then, a massive, proud grin broke across her face, and her accent came roaring back with absolute joy.
"Pff! But of course! I told you, Calli! I am a vision! A masterpiece of modern art, oui?! Everyone else in this mall is basic!"
Ze Decision
After another hour of spinning, posing, and shouting Ooh la la! until their throats were completely dry and they both desperately needed a drink, the two VTubers stood side-by-side in front of the giant mirror. There was a little smudge on the bottom corner of the glass, but neither of them cared. Calli adjusted her suit collar with a soft, content hum.
"So. We actually buy ziz now? My wallet is already sweating."
"But of course!" Bae grinned, her tail practically wagging as she aggressively slapped her wallet against her palm with a loud smack that startled a nearby shop assistant. "We absolutely killed ze runway today, Calli. Now, we take le credit card... and we make it cry."
Calli let out a warm, genuine laugh, wrapping an arm around the chaotic rat and pulling her into a brief, slightly clumsy half-hug. "Heh. Yeah. For once, rat, you speak my language. Let’s get out of here before I buy the hat too."
Bae hopped up and down, dragging Calli toward the counter while humming some chaotic, improvised victory song that didn't really have a melody. They walked out of the shop arm-in-arm, leaving the smell of expensive perfume behind, ready to conquer the rest of the day—avec style.